If you are going through hell, keep on going...easier said than done. I like to pretend I'm a rock, impenetrable, tough, but that isn't always the case. Truth is, I can only make it through the hard times because of one thing. FAITH. Faith by definition: Complete trust or confidence in someone or something. The only thing I know that has that power, that has my confidence is GOD. For when I cannot be that rock, he is for me. And as hard as things are (and I KNOW there are others who have it much worse) I have assurance that they will turn out, just as God planned for me.
"A MAN'S HEART PLANS HIS WAY, BUT THE LORD DIRECTS HIS STEPS." Proverbs
The last two months have been some of the worst of my life. No light at the end of the tunnel (but again, I remind myself...others have had or do have it much worse). But then it hit me, "me too." "Me too," a phrase from my church, Flatirons, which emphasizes on how we as a community can pull together as broken, rough, stubborn, and beat down as we are, and support one another. Not that it will be easy. Two things to get me through these hard times, God and community. I'm so grateful for the Rugged Runners. They are part of my community, they are my family, and my friends. Without them, life would be even harder, they are "me too's" broken, battling challenges within their own lives, yet still so inspirational to me!
20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. I am finding this out the hard way. The only thing that has ever brought me to my knees and begged God for mercy despite all the health problems and challenges I have already faced in life. How could something only the size of an apple seed have this much impact on me?! And not only for me, but how awful for the women who have had 2 or 3 of these even farther along than I! THE POWER OF PRAYER IS UNCONTESTED, this I know, so I still continue to pray...not just for a healthy baby one day, but peace if that time is for sure not now.
The plan after Run Rabbit Run was to indeed try to get pregnant one more time. Odds against me again, my age and thyroid disease would be factors this time. However, God blessed us with an immediate pregnancy, but just a short time later...has decided that it not time. Perhaps this is just another challenge he has given to me to make me mentally and physically stronger for the future, no doubt I will be made of steel soon. As emotional as this is, I'm striving to find the reasons, the answers, but I know only God knows why.
So what now? Well I had decided pregnant or not, that it would be more than fun to participate in some way at Bandera 50k/100k in January. Not sure the hips will hold up for a race, but maybe myself and some Rugged Runners could represent! I have just enough time IF AND ONLY IF, this miscarriage completes itself without any further complications (the "sickness" is cruel). And with that, I am not to try to conceive again for awhile. To keep myself further engaged, I will be hosting 3 boot camps January, Feb, March. One of the things I love most about coaching is actually getting to meet my clients from around the world and teach them in person. A mountain bike race maybe in store too :)
My heart goes out to all the momma's who have lost. Now unfortunately, I can say "me too."